The Absentee Father..


Its a little disheartening that me and so many people have 
the fact that our fathers weren't around or didn't have a positive
impact on our lives, in common. 


Before I let my mind go to work I'd like to justify my rants a little.
As contradicting as it may seem, I'm a very private person. But when
I have things heavy on my mind..I feel like for me its healthy to get 
them out somehow. And since I'm not gonna sit and talk one on one
with someone about it, I rather blog about it. And if you happen 
to stumble upon my blog, then congratulations. You now know 
whats on my mind. 


Now about my dad. Some say im fortunate to know my dad. 
To have had him around at some point. I can't say I disagree.
But I can't agree either. As a child my father wasn't around. Learning
to read an write, ride a bike, swim, singing around my house. My dad
wasn't there. Not till I was around 8 do I even remember memories
of my dad. Those weren't good memories tho. Those were the memories
of being scared of him. Getting yelled at. I can remember like it was 
yesterday my dad swinging my brothers bedroom door open with 
the stick that comes on blinds to turn them. Telling us to get downstairs
and clean and whipping us as we walked out the room and ran downstairs.
 His whole M.O was putting the fear of God into us. Thats the only 
relationship I remember having with him when i was younger. 
I call him absentee because he was in and out my childhood. And even 
when he was there he wasn't really there. When my mother and father
finally repaired there relationship he was living with us permanently.
He honestly made no effort to be a father. He let my mom do everything.
He said "The bible says love my wife unconditionally not my kids."


When my mom passed away when i was 14, things got even worse.
Its funny how people want to tell you everything once you have no
one to protect you from the truth. Thats what my mom did, protected
me and my brother from the things done to us and her in the past by 
my father. Why? She loved him. And are relationship with my father 
wasn't good already she didn't wanna damage it anymore than it was. 
I can't say I blame her. She was doing out of love. She didn't want me 
hating him for the rest of my life even if I had reason to. She hid the 
fact that he abused her and how he treated my older brother
when he was young. She hid the fact that he left her with 3 kids, no
money, no car, no nothing. She hid the fact that he was cheating on her.
She hid alot. I always wondered why my moms side of the family
didn't like my dad. And when my mom passed EVERYTHING  came out.
This is what really started the relationship him and I have now. 
My mom was gone and he never once talked to me about it. He was now
my guardian, who was never there once again. He put his hoes and 
himself before my. I would get kicked out the house. I was 14 would
come home with a suitcase on my bed. I ad no respect for him. I'm 
honestly giving yall the censored version of his triffingness, 
only for my mama sake. But your getting the jist of everything. 
Iv'e never received any love from him. Money is how he shows love 
and he didin't even givet hat enough. At 15 my curfew was 12. 
At 16 I din't even have one. He just didn't give a fuck about my and 
still today doesn't. I use to let it bother me but now I'm too use to it. 
You may say I'm lucky to know him or have him around. 
But I just can't say i agree.